The Tyrant’s Drama Queen Empress

CHAPTER 23: Mister Sleep, Mister Dream, You Two Ruined Me!

　　Shen Ling looked like she was quietly eating, but the corner of her eye kept drifting toward Xie Yuanxun at her side. The more she thought about it, the more she felt that Xie Yuanxun was basically a clueless little virgin.

　　—With so many beauties in the harem, every type you could imagine, slim, curvy, elegant, alluring, how could there be none he fancied? Any normal man would have worn himself out long ago, or at the very least produced a whole bunch of children. Didn’t the ¹Dao De Jing say it? One gives birth to two, two gives birth to three, three gives birth to countless people. Endless, nonstop!

　　—Yet here you are, not a single seed sprouted. A perfectly good Emperor, living like some pure and restrained monk. Tsk tsk tsk, can you not loosen up a bit?

　　Xie Yuanxun: “……”

　　He kept listening, expression perfectly calm.

　　Shen Ling slowly sipped her soup, her inner monologue running wild.

　　—Well, I guess it’s not entirely your fault. You never got proper education in that area anyway. The first time you kissed me, you literally smashed your teeth into mine. It hurt so bad I almost cried. In the end, I had to teach you myself. You don’t even know how to kiss, of course you wouldn’t know how babies are made. You probably think kissing once is enough to get someone pregnant. Pfft…

　　—Too innocent. Way too innocent!

　　Xie Yuanxun: “……” He narrowed his eyes slightly. Was she… thinking about having a child?

　　And also, why did she think he didn’t know how babies were made? How complicated could it be? Wasn’t it just lying on the bed together? He had lain there with her plenty of times. She had served him in bed so many times already. If her belly wasn’t showing, who was that on? Was she seriously blaming him for this? (T/N: Too innocent! Way too innocent!🤭)

　　After Xie Yuanxun became Emperor, his reputation was far too brutal. He killed when he wanted, without blinking. None of the harem women dared to seduce him, all of them afraid of dying. Because of that, his private life ended up unusually clean.

　　Senior Eunuch Feng had once given Xie Yuanxun a few “heat-dispelling” illustrated manuals, but Xie Yuanxun hadn't even looked at them and had apparently thrown them away somewhere. Seeing that Xie Yuanxun truly had no interest in women, and knowing he was just a servant while Xie Yuanxun was his master, Senior Eunuch Feng didn't offer any advice.

　　This resulted in Xie Yuanxun genuinely being ignorant about matters of men and women.

　　He picked up a bun from the table and shoved it into Shen Ling’s mouth, and she choked a little.

　　“Cough, cough, cough cough cough.”

　　Liu Zhu quickly came over to help, and Xie Yuanxun frowned. “You can even choke on a little food? You eat so much normally and never have a problem.”

　　Shen Ling, “......”

　　—Eat so much? Don’t go calling me a glutton, okay? Have some respect!

　　—You shoved such a huge bun in my mouth, expecting me to swallow it all at once? Ugh, you’re ruthless!

　　—This is life in the world, huh? Who doesn’t get hit by trouble? I’m just trying to eat, is that so hard?

　　Xie Yuanxun paused for a moment, his gaze falling on her lips. “Did I give you too much?”

　　Shen Ling smiled softly, her tone gentle. “Your Majesty feeding me is my blessing. Others can only dream of it.”

　　—So you know you fed me too much, but you still do it… just because I’m cute?

　　—If my little cherry lips could stretch wider, I’d really show you what a bottomless mouth looks like.

　　—A mouth that could bite off your head in one gulp and swallow you whole!

　　Xie Yuanxun asked, “Are you plotting something against me?” He didn’t feel offended at all. His first thought was that she wanted to claim him entirely for herself.

　　She literally wanted to devour him and become one with him. He didn’t believe her if she said she wasn’t thinking about him.

　　Shen Ling: ......I’m not, I’m not, stop talking nonsense.

　　Shen Ling shot him a glance. What did he mean, that she was plotting something? Did he have zero awareness of how ruthless he was himself? All the concubines and beauties who’d ever dared to scheme against him were buried so deep their graves could host a disco. Shen Ling didn’t think she had some Mary Sue aura capable of softening Xie Yuanxun. No, maybe he was just testing her, seeing if she had any improper thoughts about him.

　　Shen Ling had always been straightforward with Xie Yuanxun. She only took what he gave, never greedy for what wasn’t offered.

　　She said, “Your Majesty, being able to stay by your side is enough for me. My loyalty to you is as vast as the heavens and as true as the sun and moon… uh!”

　　Suddenly, Xie Yuanxun reached out and covered her mouth, his touch gentle. “Did I ever tell you that when you feel guilty, you say a lot of sweet things?”

　　“……” She didn’t know what to say.

　　—The voice of my fate, just like that, is in your hands.

　　Xie Yuanxun released her. “You only need to answer yes or no. Why say so much? I don’t want to hear it. You’re just wasting your breath.”

　　Shen Ling, “……Yes, I suppose.”

　　Her eyes said everything: “Go ahead, say whatever you want. I’ll believe it and lose gracefully.”

　　—Why do I feel like you’re actually enjoying this?

　　—I finish talking and only then do you cover my mouth? This is what you call ‘not wanting to hear’? So basically, you’re just being dramatic, saying you don’t want to hear while secretly wanting to listen forever.

　　Xie Yuanxun sighed, glancing at her with mock exasperation. “And you know what you just said is nonsense, right?”

　　He asked, “So what’s your answer?” His tone was incredibly gentle, waiting for her reply.

　　Seeing him so calm and gentle, Shen Ling couldn’t help but twitch her lips.

　　—We’ve been together long enough, everyone knows everyone. So why the gentle act? Do you think being soft will fool me?

　　Shen Ling said, “Your Majesty is so wise. How could I possibly have any schemes against you?”

　　Xie Yuanxun replied, “Think carefully before you answer.”

　　Shen Ling, “……”

　　—Threat. Definitely a threat!

　　—You’re cunning, just pretending to give me two choices. One’s real, the other is just to confuse me.

　　What kind of nonsense is she thinking?

　　Xie Yuanxun’s mood shifted slightly. He decided to be straightforward before she overthought things even more.

　　He said, “If you truly have no schemes against me, would you even think about giving me a child?”

　　Shen Ling, “Ah?”

　　—A child?

　　—When did I say I wanted to give you a child? I didn’t!

　　—Did I miss something? This conversation is confusing me a bit.

　　Xie Yuanxun frowned. What did she mean, she had never thought about giving him a child? His voice sank, his expression turning cold. “You never thought about it at all?”

　　If she truly hadn’t, then was this all a misunderstanding? Was he just being delusional?

　　The moment that thought surfaced, Xie Yuanxun’s face darkened further. The chill radiating from him was colder than the harshest winter snow.

　　Xie Yuanxun was very satisfied with the amusement Shen Ling brought him. Aside from killing, she was the only thing that kept him from feeling bored. His nature was cold, his heart empty. He didn’t care about the world, nor did he care about being Emperor. He had even once considered destroying the Da Liang dynasty, imagining that the scene would bring him a unique kind of pleasure. That thought, however, had been temporarily shelved after meeting Shen Ling.

　　Destroying the Da Liang Dynasty would only amuse him for a moment. Shen Ling was different. She could keep him entertained endlessly.

　　To keep this bit of amusement, if Shen Ling wanted favor, power, or status, he could give her all of it. But she never asked.

　　Favor? She never tried to please him. If anything, she cursed him in her heart more often than not. If he didn’t go looking for her, she looked like she could happily stay in Chang Le Palace forever.

　　Power? Compared to scheming, she preferred eating, drinking, and having fun.

　　Status? This one, she did have some interest in. She had even thought about becoming Empress Dowager…

　　Thinking of that, Xie Yuanxun spoke in a strange tone. “You said before that you wanted to be Empress Dowager.”

　　Shen Ling, “……” I didn’t. Even if I did, I’m not admitting it.

　　—Well, okay, I might have thought about it in my head. But I’m pretty sure I never said it out loud. Saying that would’ve been asking for death.

　　Of course, Xie Yuanxun knew she hadn’t actually said those words out loud. After all, he had once heard her thoughts clearly enough to figure it out.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “With thoughts like that, it’s no wonder you don’t want to have children.”

　　Shen Ling went silent. How was she supposed to answer that? She wanted to argue, but seeing how certain he sounded, she felt guilty. She even wondered if she had been caught talking in her sleep at night.

　　Mister Sleep, Mister Dream, You Two Ruined Me!

　　Actually, when it came to having children, Shen Ling had always been go-with-the-flow.

　　She never pushed herself to have kids and never really longed for them. Both before and after transmigrating into this book, that had always been her mindset. To be more honest, she still felt like a kid herself. She was busy enough taking care of her own life—raising a child from start to finish, worrying over them for a lifetime, just the thought made her shiver.

　　Besides, Xie Yuanxun didn’t seem to care about heirs either. In the book she’d transmigrated into, the Da Liang dynasty lasted until its fall, and Xie Yuanxun never had a single child.

　　Shen Ling even suspected he did it on purpose. Maybe he wanted the dynasty to end with him.

　　As for why… don’t ask. If you do, the answer is “he’s insane,” because nobody could know what was going on in his head.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Fine, if you don’t want children, then you won’t have any.”

　　Shen Ling had been about to offer a fake apology, pretending she wanted to have children, but seeing his face calm and unruffled, she cautiously asked, “Your Majesty, you’re not angry?”

　　Xie Yuanxun replied, “Angry about what?”

　　Shen Ling hesitated. “About me… not wanting children.” Her voice was light and airy.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “What’s there to be angry about? Are they that important?”

　　Shen Ling froze. How was she supposed to react to that?

　　—I just don’t want to have children, and you…

　　—You just called children “that thing.” Fine, you’re ruthless.

　　Putting her thoughts aside, Shen Ling spoke softly, “Your Majesty’s heirs are, of course, very important. The Ministers are all hoping for them.”

　　Xie Yuanxun’s reaction was, “Oh, so you want to have children?”

　　Shen Ling froze.

　　—Have children my ass!

　　She quickly corrected herself with a composed tone, “But all of this depends on Your Majesty’s wishes. Whether others hope for it or not has nothing to do with us, don’t you think?”

　　Xie Yuanxun snorted, saying nothing more.

　　Even if he had been annoyed before, it was only because he’d misunderstood her as wanting to have children. Once he realized she, like him, didn’t really care about heirs, that little irritation vanished.

　　His Bao Fei shared something with him: neither of them were bound by conventions, and both of them didn’t care what the world thought about heirs.

　　When Xie Yuanxun left, Shen Ling followed him to the gates of Chang Le Palace to see him off. She was buzzing with happiness like a little bee, her steps light and cheerful.

　　She didn’t want him lingering. If he stayed, she was afraid her already swollen lips would swell even more.

　　Xie Yuanxun climbed into the dragon carriage. Its carvings of soaring, majestic dragons screamed luxury and prestige, an overwhelming sense of grandeur that hit you like a wave.

　　Shen Ling cast a subtle glance at him. His carriage was far more impressive than the one she’d ridden in before—like comparing a BMW to a clunky three-wheeled cart.

　　A gust of wind blew, messing up her hair. She smoothed it down, then another gust came. She smoothed it again, and the wind returned.

　　Shen Ling muttered, “...Why is the wind so damn strong tonight?”

　　Not wanting her messy hair to be on display in front of Xie Yuanxun, she pressed her hands to her head, holding the unruly strands down, and casually said, “Rise.”

　　The palace attendants below the dragon carriage didn’t budge.

　　Thinking they hadn’t heard her, she repeated, “You may carry the carriage now.”

　　The dragon carriage didn’t so much as twitch.

　　Shen Ling blinked.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Rise.”

　　At his command, the attendants finally lifted the dragon carriage.

　　Shen Ling went quiet.

　　Before leaving, Xie Yuanxun’s lips curved into a small smile as he glanced at her. Shen Ling stayed expressionless. Go to hell! What are you so smug about?

　　—You're so awesome, do you want me to give you a little red flower?

　　—Pah!

　　—I’ll make my palace servants listen only to me, not you.

　　Shen Ling seethed in her mind, silently plotting all sorts of ambitious schemes. But after a moment, she shook her head. Forget it. Trying to make the Chang Le Palace servants obey only her and ignore Xie Yuanxun? If they really did that, death would probably just be a glance away.

　　Shen Ling muttered, “But how did this whole ‘having children’ topic even come up?”

　　—Oh, that started the moment I realized he was still a virgin.

　　Shen Ling snorted. If this were the modern world, Xie Yuanxun’s news would absolutely dominate every trending topic online, with endless likes, shares, and comments. Here, though, she was the only one silently munching popcorn.

　　Meanwhile, Xie Yuanxun stepped down from the dragon carriage and walked into the Taiji Hall. Suddenly, he remembered something. He turned slightly, gesturing toward the dragon carriage, and casually said to Senior Eunuch Feng,

　　“Feng Zhi, drag them out and execute them.”

　　The palace attendants in front of the hall trembled, dropping to silent kneels.

　　Senior Eunuch Feng bowed deeply. “Yes, Your Majesty.”

　　Xie Yuanxun’s expression was icy. Who were they anyway? They didn’t even listen to his Bao Fei. Keeping them around was useless. Better to kill them and have some peace.

    

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Glossary:   

¹Dao De Jing (道德经) is an ancient Chinese philosophy text written by Laozi. It’s basically Taoism’s holy book. Very serious. Very profound. Very “go with the flow of the universe”.

The original line it’s parodying is:

> “道生一，一生二，二生三，三生万物”

“The Dao gives birth to One. One gives birth to Two. Two gives birth to Three. Three gives birth to all things.”

It’s about cosmic creation, yin and yang, balance, the universe, existence, enlightenment stuff, etc.

What Shen Ling is doing here is weaponizing philosophy for horny sarcasm 😌

She’s twisting it into:

> If even the universe can keep multiplying like this, how the hell does you, an Emperor with a full harem, have zero kids?

Ancient wisdom, modern disrespect. Peak Shen Ling behavior 🖤

    

 

   

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