The Tyrant’s Drama Queen Empress

CHAPTER 49: Whose Treasure Are You?

　　That same day, Shen Ling asked Xie Yuanxun which tavern he had bought the food from the last time he brought back that meal box. She wanted to go there and buy it again next time.

　　Xie Yuanxun glanced at her and said, “That tavern wasn’t doing well. It closed down. You won’t be able to buy it anymore.”

　　Shen Ling stared at him silently. “Closed down?”

　　Xie Yuanxun nodded. “Mm.”

　　—Do I look like an idiot to you?

　　—Food that delicious, and you’re telling me their business was bad? Is there something wrong with my taste buds, or do the people of Yongning Town just have strange taste?

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “But if you really like it, we can just have the cook come over and make it for you.”

　　Shen Ling replied, “But we don’t have any money. We can’t afford to hire a cook.”

　　—Ancestor, don’t forget that we’re completely broke right now.

　　Xie Yuanxun calmly glanced toward a cabinet on the left.

　　The moment Shen Ling saw that movement, she jolted.

　　—No way.

　　—Don’t tell me you…

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “There’s silver hidden in the compartment inside that cabinet.”

　　At the exact same moment, Shen Ling finished the thought in her head.

　　—Don’t tell me you found someone’s hidden stash again!

　　—Hiss! Just like I thought.

　　Shen Ling got up and pulled the silver out. Xie Yuanxun said, “Now we can hire the cook.” Later he could just have one of those shadow guards called over to act as the cook.

　　Shen Ling, “……”

　　—Are you some kind of jinx? A jinx that specializes in uncovering other people’s secret money.

　　Shen Ling said, “Let’s not hire one. We should use the silver for other things first, like getting some replacement clothes. As for food… that can wait.”

　　Xie Yuanxun frowned. “We can hire one. You don’t have to worry about it. I’ll handle it.”

　　Shen Ling blinked. “Huh?” First she was surprised, then she quickly stopped him. “Don’t. I really don’t have high standards when it comes to food.”

　　—If I really let you go hire a cook, I have no idea what kind of person you’d end up bringing back.

　　—I can already picture it: you showing up at someone’s door looking all fierce and scary, then getting chased out in the most miserable way.

　　Xie Yuanxun’s face darkened instantly. He turned and started walking out.

　　Shen Ling called after him, “It’s already dark. What are you going out for?”

　　“And be careful when you walk, don’t trip or anything. I didn’t light the lanterns outside.”

　　Xie Yuanxun turned back and gave her a strange look. “Trip? Do you think I’m you? I’ll be back soon.”

　　Shen Ling, “……”

　　—You just personally attacked me, didn’t you? Didn’t you, didn’t you!

　　—What’s wrong with being like me? I’m gentle, kind, and considerate, you know!

　　Xie Yuanxun stepped outside. “Come out.”

　　A shadow guard immediately emerged from the darkness and knelt on the ground. “Your Majesty.”

　　Xie Yuanxun asked, “Who made the food in that meal box last time?”

　　Shadow Guard A answered steadily, “It was this subordinate.”

　　“Mm.” Remembering how Shen Ling had once said, while reading a storybook, that calm and steady men were usually good-looking, Xie Yuanxun’s expression turned unreadable. “Show me your face.”

　　Shadow Guard A: “???”

　　Even though he had no idea why His Majesty suddenly wanted to see his face, he still followed the order and removed the black mask covering it.

　　Xie Yuanxun looked at him and saw a face that was fairly handsome, even a little good-looking. He frowned. Had Shen Ling really just guessed right by pure luck?    

　　He said, “Tomorrow morning, come to the front gate. Your identity will be the cook. Also, your face won’t do. When you come tomorrow, add a few more wrinkles.”

　　Shadow Guard A: “???”

　　His face wasn’t good? Eunuch Feng had even said before that his face looked a bit handsome.

　　Xie Yuanxun spoke casually, “Did you hear everything?”

　　Shadow Guard A replied, “Yes, Your Majesty. This subordinate heard all your instructions. Tomorrow I will appear disguised as a middle-aged man.”

　　Xie Yuanxun thought for a moment. “A middle-aged man is too young. You should disguise yourself as an old man instead.”

　　Shadow Guard A: “……”

　　After Xie Yuanxun went back inside, the shadow guard returned to the shadows, questioning his entire life.

　　An old man is even older, Your Majesty!

　　......

　　Shen Ling heard a noisy commotion outside the door. When she opened it, she saw a poor, down-and-out old man standing there, with several women gathered around watching.

　　The moment they saw Shen Ling come out, she did not even have to ask. The women immediately started chattering, rapidly explaining the old man’s identity and why he had shown up here.

　　Shen Ling blinked. “A cook?” Yesterday she and Xie Yuanxun had just talked about it, and today she actually ran into one. Shen Ling felt like her luck was so good right now she might as well go buy a lottery ticket.

　　Someone nearby replied, “Yes, this Old Qi is a cook. He spent most of his life working in a tavern kitchen. Unfortunately, after something happened to the owner and the tavern shut down, he was kicked out. Other taverns see that he’s already old and don’t want to hire him. Old Qi devoted his whole life to cooking and never even married or had children. Now that he’s left that tavern, he doesn’t know what to do next, and he doesn’t have any silver either.”

　　Shen Ling felt tempted. Others might not want him, but she did! Not to mention this Old Qi had worked at the very tavern Xie Yuanxun had gone to that day, which made her want him even more. The only problem was that she had no idea how much silver it would cost to hire him.

　　She really did not want to spend all their money just for the sake of good food. Until Senior Eunuch Feng found them, she and Xie Yuanxun needed to live frugally.

　　“Old Qi says he doesn’t have many days left. Before he dies, he just wants to hold a spatula a few more times. He doesn’t even need to be paid. Sigh, if it weren’t for the fact that my daughter-in-law is already at home and I can still cook myself, I would’ve taken him in. His cooking skills are really quite good.”

　　“I’ll pass. All this talk about dying feels a bit unlucky. What if he suddenly dies one day, and worse, dies in my house? That’d be terribly unlucky.”

　　Shen Ling raised her hand. She didn’t mind bad luck at all.

　　So Shen Ling brought this “Old Qi” home. Old Qi kept praising her for being compassionate and kind. Shen Ling was almost embarrassed from all the compliments, though honestly… she really was that nice, hahaha.

　　Once Old Qi entered the kitchen, he quickly got to work cooking. Watching how skillfully and neatly he moved around, Shen Ling walked back to the room with light, bouncy steps and hopped in front of Xie Yuanxun, pacing back and forth in front of him.

　　—Ask me. Ask me. Ask me already.

　　Xie Yuanxun played along and asked, “What is it?”

　　Shen Ling immediately declared, “I picked up a treasure!”

　　A sharp glint flashed through Xie Yuanxun’s eyes. “What treasure?” His tone turned serious. “Be clear. What treasure? Who exactly is your treasure?!”

　　Only when she saw his expression did Shen Ling realize her words had come out wrong and could easily be misunderstood. She hurried to explain, “What I meant is that just now, outside the door, I ran into the cook from that tavern you said had closed down. Hiring him is basically the same as free. Soon we’ll be able to eat the food he cooks, and from now on we won’t even have to go out to buy meals.” She glanced at Xie Yuanxun. “But he doesn’t have any family, he’s all alone, so what he really wants is just a stable place to stay…”

　　Xie Yuanxun let out an “Oh.” Then he asked casually, “You want to bring him back to the Palace?”

　　Shen Ling smacked her lips thoughtfully, then sat down beside him. She brushed his shoulder with her hand and said in a flattering tone, “Oh my, Your Majesty, you’re truly brilliant. How can someone be as clever as you?”

　　Xie Yuanxun replied, “Smarter than you, at least.”

　　Shen Ling: “Uh…”

　　—Well, that’s not very nice.

　　—I was praising you. You could’ve just quietly accepted the compliment. Why did you have to step on me like that?

　　—Are you trying to play the whole overbearing Emperor and silly sweetheart Consort routine with me? I mean, it could work, but isn’t that a bit cliché?

　　Xie Yuanxun: “……”

　　Xie Yuanxun said bluntly, “What, do you think I’m wrong? From what I see, your brain only functions at the level of a ten-year-old right now. But for the sake of achieving your goal, since you were afraid I’d object and stop you from bringing him back to the Palace, you stopped being so straightforward and instead learned to go about it indirectly, beating around the bush. I can see right through your little schemes.”

　　—And you’re saying my brain isn’t even ten years old? If you ask me, yours is only about three. Not a day older!

　　Shen Ling asked, “So… do you agree or not?”

　　Xie Yuanxun tilted his head to look at her, scoffing, “You need to ask me about something this small? If you asked me about everything, what am I supposed to do with you? Ha.”

　　Shen Ling: “……”

　　—You really don’t have to be so stubborn. You could’ve just said it straight out: I agree.

　　Shen Ling thought that if her reading comprehension were even slightly worse, she’d probably have ended up in a fight with Xie Yuanxun. This jerk can’t even say things properly, it’s honestly asking for trouble.

　　If she could, Shen Ling really wanted to pin Xie Yuanxun down and make him go through dozens of reading comprehension exercises.

　　She decided to walk toward the kitchen because she caught a whiff of something delicious drifting over. Xie Yuanxun didn’t react, and Shen Ling’s mouth watered. Maybe Old Qi’s cooking wasn’t as refined as a royal chef’s, but as the saying goes, distant water won’t quench a nearby thirst. With no palace chefs around and just the two of them wandering outside, if it weren’t for Old Qi—the perfect trap set in plain sight—they wouldn’t even get to enjoy a single tasty meal.

　　Xie Yuanxun grabbed her hand. Shen Ling turned to look at him, but he didn’t answer. Her expression twisted in confusion.

　　—Wait, are you trying to sneak a whiff of the kitchen smells with me too?

　　—You’re seriously breaking character, hey!

　　Xie Yuanxun lifted his eyes to glance at her, that unreadable expression flickering across his face again.

　　Shen Ling: “Y-you, why are you pulling me?” She wobbled from side to side, unsure why, but her gut told her that if she didn’t keep moving like this, he might just smack her forehead again.

　　Xie Yuanxun said with a half-smile, “Why are you dodging? What do you think I could do to you?”

　　Shen Ling’s gaze darted around, “……I’m not dodging, I’m just… stretching a bit, exercising.”

　　—With eyes that sharp, you’re honestly overdoing it.

　　Xie Yuanxun pulled out a stack of papers. “Since you don’t have much to do lately, why not practice your writing? I’ve got plenty of time to keep you company.”

　　Shen Ling felt her whole body stiffen. “Why did you suddenly think of making me practice? Didn’t we agree I’d catch up on this after returning to the Palace?”

　　She still considered herself in her ‘vacation and free time’ phase. Sure, there had been a tiny mishap—they drifted from the Mulan Hunting Grounds to Yongning Town and became accidental river drifters—but that still counted as part of her break. Why should she have to do homework while she was supposed to be enjoying herself? It made no sense.

　　Xie Yuanxun pressed the papers into her hands with firm insistence, letting out a soft laugh. “You’re overthinking. It’s not that I remembered you had to practice. You were the one talking last night about writing. I overheard you saying it repeatedly, and seeing how eager you were, I could only thoughtfully indulge you.”

　　Shen Ling: “……”    

　　—No!!!

　　—You didn’t have to be this thoughtful!

　　Shen Ling wanted to say it wasn’t true, but seeing how Xie Yuanxun spoke so earnestly, with not a hint of lying, she couldn’t deny it. She was sure she hadn’t told him she wanted to practice big characters. That left only one possibility—she must have muttered it in her sleep last night, and Xie Yuanxun had heard it.

　　Shen Ling felt completely deflated. With a heavy, almost mournful voice, she struggled to ask, “You really heard me say that?” She looked at him with hopeful eyes.

　　Maybe Xie Yuanxun was joking. Until the last moment, who knew how things would turn out? He had teased her before, after all. Shen Ling couldn’t blame herself for a tiny flicker of hope—like after finishing the college entrance exam, before seeing the results, people still let themselves daydream about being the top scorer, even if the actual score turned out awful.   

　　Xie Yuanxun nodded casually, “Yeah, I heard it. Heard it crystal clear. Want me to go over it from the start? You even said a lot more afterward, and when you mentioned me, you were gritting your teeth…”

　　Shen Ling, “Cough, cough, cough!”

　　She made a cutting-off gesture at Xie Yuanxun and said sincerely, “I believe you. You don’t have to say any more, really.”

　　—Just hearing you start talking like that gave me a bad feeling. I’m definitely the one who talked bad about you in my dream afterward, so I won’t give you a chance to make me pay. Better to just pretend I don’t know what comes next.

　　Shen Ling put on a serious, studious look, glowing with that “I love to learn and write every day” vibe.

　　She said, “I love practicing calligraphy. I want to practice. If I don’t, I feel all uncomfortable. I was just thinking about finding the right time to tell you, but you already went ahead and planned it for me. You’re the best—you solved my little problem for me.”    

　　—Waaahhh.

　　—Who’s more miserable than me? Tell me, who’s got it worse than me!

　　—It’s just sleeping at night, why did I have to talk in my sleep? And talking in my sleep is one thing, but why did I have to say bad things about him? Fine, say bad things if I must, but why did he have to hear it! I’m way too unlucky!

　　Seeing Shen Ling glowing all saintly on the outside but seething inside, Xie Yuanxun chuckled. His aura softened around her, though the moment he spoke, it was obvious that any “softness” he carried didn’t really exist.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Then start practicing now. If you don’t do it well, you won’t eat.”

　　Shen Ling, “……”

　　—Why are you in such a rush?

　　—I haven’t practiced for so many days, and now you’re telling me I have to do it perfectly or I won’t eat? What kind of human tragedy is this? Damn it, your devil horns are popping out, I seriously want to smash them off and make you bleed like crazy!

　　Xie Yuanxun poked her side, “Hurry up, don’t just stand there.”

　　Shen Ling kept a straight face. Cold and ruthless, she clapped her hand and pushed away his finger.

　　—Hurry, hurry, hurry your ass.

　　—Do you know you’re even more annoying than all those old sages with their endless “Confucius said, Confucius said”?

　　—¹I just want to be a salted fish, but you insist on making me a sardine. How can teaching still be this fun for you after so long?

　　Xie Yuanxun pinched her cheek, stretching out his voice as he gave her the final notice, “Remember, you still need to fill ten pages.”

　　Shen Ling responded weakly, “Y-yes…”

　　But the moment she picked up the brush to write a single character, it felt like her hand had completely forgotten how. She inhaled sharply, realizing it must be from slacking off these past few days—her touch was gone.

　　—This is almost as bad as my first attempt when I was scribbling like a dog.

　　—Absolutely suffocating.

　　Leaning forward, Shen Ling slightly blocked Xie Yuanxun’s view. She didn’t want him to see—she still had pride, after all. How could she divert his attention? Her eyes lit up. Got it, she thought. She had a plan!

　　She tried to steady her voice, “Your Majesty, those human traffickers, Auntie Wang and the others, will be executed soon.”   

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Mm, I’ve heard you talk about this before. Why are you bringing it up again? Are you expecting another human trafficker to appear so you can obediently follow her into a trap all over again?”

　　Shen Ling chuckled twice, forcing a smile, “You’re joking.”

　　—Are you kidding me, seriously! I messed up once and you won’t shut up about it. You remembered me walking into the trap, but not all the times I worked my butt off in secret!

　　Shen Ling didn’t bother beating around the bush. She said straight out, “Your Majesty, you have eyes sharp enough to see whether someone’s intentions are good or bad, but most people don’t.”

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “For example, someone like you can’t.”

　　Shen Ling, “......”

　　—Aaaaaahhhh!

　　—No, I can’t lose it. I must keep calm, stay composed, and remain unshaken, even though I really want to drag this trash man under the covers and punch him into oblivion!

　　Shen Ling stared blankly as she finished explaining, “From small things, I’ve seen that in Yongning Town alone, there can be human traffickers acting all innocent and friendly while abducting people. Other places probably have plenty of cases too. So I thought of a way to try to prevent this from happening. You can’t have a heart that wants to hurt others, but you also can’t ignore the possibility of danger. After all, we managed to escape and even handed the traffickers over to the authorities, but not everyone would get that chance.”

　　Her expression grew serious as she spoke. She wasn’t just talking for the sake of it—she’d already thought roughly about how to guard against traffickers. People are greedy. Kidnapping someone to sell them is basically free money for a trafficker. The more they abduct, the more silver they earn, and their greed only deepens. Otherwise, traffickers wouldn’t keep appearing even with such strict laws.

　　Xie Yuanxun raised an eyebrow. “Oh? So what do you suggest we do?”

　　Shen Ling said, “Remember the newspaper I made? We can use it to share some ways to protect against human traffickers.”    

　　“Before leaving the Imperial Palace, I saw how Liu Yun and the people at the Music Palace sold the newspaper really well. Lots of people read it, so any warnings we put in there can help more people know how to protect themselves. For example, when traveling, you should have a servant with you and avoid going alone. If you sense something is wrong, shout for help. But traffickers have their tricks too—they might claim to be a relative of the person being abducted, so even if someone wants to help, they might think it’s a family matter and ignore it. In that case, you can have the victim break or damage things around them, or even hit the traffickers. If bystanders’ property is damaged, they’ll demand compensation. Traffickers can’t exactly pay silver, so paying compensation is better than being kidnapped and sold. This way, the number of abductions might go down. Remember, these people are your subjects, and if you treat them well, they’ll remember it.”

　　As Shen Ling spoke, she carefully jotted down the key points on paper. “I have to write all of this down. Later, I’ll take it to the courier station and send it to Liu Yun, so she can publish everything I wrote for her in the newspaper.”    

　　She was so focused that she didn’t notice just how intently Xie Yuanxun was watching her.

　　When Shen Ling finished writing and reached out to turn her wrist, Xie Yuanxun took over the task. Shen Ling’s eyes widened in surprise.

　　—Whoa, you rubbed it pretty well. Your movements are really on point, my wrist barely feels tired now.

　　—But why are you suddenly being so nice to me?

　　—Could it be... you’re worried I’ll use a sore wrist as an excuse to slack off on practice?

　　“......” Xie Yuanxun pressed down on her hand with force.

　　“Ah!” Shen Ling screamed.

　　Xie Yuanxun said lightly, “What are you shouting for? I’m just rubbing your wrist. Anyone who didn’t know might think I broke your hand with how loud you yelled.”

　　Shen Ling shot back, “Who told you to suddenly use so much force?” He’d been gentle at first, and then all of a sudden he pressed hard—how could she not yell?

　　Xie Yuanxun shrugged, “Well then, I guess it’s my fault.”

　　Shen Ling blinked, “You said that, not me.”

　　—Hehe, you admitted it yourself, totally your own fault, not mine.

　　Xie Yuanxun added, “I also said you have to practice your writing if you want to eat.”

　　Shen Ling hugged him, rubbing her face against his palm, her dark eyes sparkling as she put on the cutest, most innocent expression she could, “Your Majesty, I’ve already written so many characters today.”

　　Xie Yuanxun asked, “So?”

　　Shen Ling tilted her head, answering in her cutest voice, “So I can’t write anymore today. How about I finish it tomorrow?” Drag it to tomorrow and see what happens then.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Fine.” That way she wouldn’t keep clinging to him if he refused.

　　......

　　Shen Ling sat cross-legged on the bed and shook her pouch. Silver coins tumbled out one by one. She counted them, her expression slowly turning serious. Her right hand rubbed her chin. She had thought she’d be worried about making ends meet, but after counting, she realized there was no need to worry about that. The real problem was figuring out why the amount of silver hadn’t gone down at all.

　　Shen Ling muttered to herself, “It’s been so long… this stash should have been used up by now. Why hasn’t any of it decreased?” No matter how she looked at it, she spent a little, and it still didn’t go down.

　　Could it be that some passing God of Wealth had blessed the pouch with a ‘treasure-gathering’ buff?

　　Shen Ling paused, thinking how ridiculous that sounded. She pushed the thought aside and focused seriously, wondering exactly how Xie Yuanxun had managed to keep the silver completely intact.

　　At that moment, a tinkling, bell-like laugh floated in from outside.

　　Shen Ling’s face immediately darkened. She stomped down from the bed and stood by the door. From a distance, she could see a woman outside the gate, balancing a shoulder pole, her head wrapped in cloth embroidered with tiny blue flowers. She was plump, with rosy, fair skin, and she was selling tofu.

　　The woman leaned forward and then tipped back slightly, laughing with exaggerated charm in front of Xie Yuanxun. “Ah, Master, are you buying tofu today? My tofu is super fresh!”

　　Shen Ling said nothing.

　　Selling tofu is impressive, huh? Who doesn’t know how to sell tofu?

　　Her expression went cold. This Tofu Beauty had started showing up a couple of days ago, always wobbling around the gate with her shoulder pole. Every time Xie Yuanxun stepped out, she’d start hawking tofu—and it wasn’t just the selling. She went all out with the outfit too!

　　Shen Ling’s gaze swept up and down the Tofu Beauty.

　　—Don’t think I can’t see how tight your clothes are, how your waist curves are all on display, your lips painted bright red, and even that headscarf cleverly embroidered with little flowers. The first time I saw you, it was just some plain gray cloth.

　　Seeing Xie Yuanxun still standing there, Shen Ling let out a dark, cold chuckle.

　　—Does this Tofu Beauty’s tofu taste better than my “tofu”?

　　She glanced down at her own chest.

　　—Mine is still all-natural, hmph!

　　Xie Yuanxun laughed, “Hahaha.”

　　The Tofu Beauty froze, her face blank. “Master, why are you laughing…” She quickly clamped her mouth shut under Xie Yuanxun’s cold glance.

　　Shen Ling walked over with a blank expression and pulled Xie Yuanxun inside, then slammed the door shut. Xie Yuanxun, the shameless man who had lured the Tofu Beauty here every day, was still laughing heartily.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “We haven’t bought the tofu yet.”

　　Shen Ling rolled her eyes.

　　—Buy it, my foot. It’s just tofu, I’ll make it myself.

　　Shen Ling narrowed her eyes, pushed Xie Yuanxun back into the room, and then went to the kitchen to find Lao Qi to discuss the ‘tofu’ she was going to make. She was determined her tofu would be better than the Tofu Beauty’s!

　　But the tofu Shen Ling wanted to make wasn’t ordinary tofu—it was stinky tofu! She refused to believe that with her version around for comparison, the Tofu Beauty’s business would still do so well.

　　Human potential really is limitless. If Shen Ling worked alone, it might have taken forever to get the stinky tofu just right. But with Old Qi helping—Shen Ling giving ideas and guidance, and the chef doing the hands-on work—the stinky tofu actually came together perfectly.

　　Shen Ling carried the plate of stinky tofu over to the table. The plate was covered, and when Xie Yuanxun arrived, she lifted the lid—and immediately the stench hit her. “Ugh.”

　　Xie Yuanxun glanced at her stomach. “Are you… pregnant?”

　　Shen Ling blinked. “......No.”

　　—Pregnant, my foot. How could I possibly be that quick?

　　—Don’t stare at my stomach, I want you to see the tofu I made!

　　Xie Yuanxun looked at the stinky tofu she’d made. Its shape was bizarre, its smell even more bizarre. “What is this?”

　　Shen Ling tilted her head, deadpan. “Tofu.”

　　—It’s just stinky tofu.

　　Shen Ling smiled and asked, “Do you think I’d be good at selling tofu like this?”

　　Xie Yuanxun raised an eyebrow. “So… you can’t resist eating rotten stuff, huh?”

　　Shen Ling blinked.

　　She picked up a piece of the fried stinky tofu with her chopsticks and offered it to Xie Yuanxun, her smile polite but her eyes deadpan. “Yes, I’m eating rotten stuff. Come eat with me too!”

　　—Rotten stuff my foot. This is my masterpiece for taking on that tofu-selling temptress, got it!   

________________

Glossary:

¹“I just want to be a salted fish” – A “salted fish” is slang (especially in Chinese internet culture) for someone who wants to be lazy, chill, and do nothing ambitious. Basically, “I just want to lie low and take it easy.”

“But you insist on making me a sardine” – Sardines are packed tightly in a can. This is a metaphor for being crowded, pushed, or stressed—like being forced to do more than you want. So it’s like: “I just want to relax, but you’re cramming me full of effort, rules, or activity.”

In short: “I just want to chill, but you’re forcing me to work hard, and somehow you’re still having fun doing it—what kind of cruel enjoyment is this?”

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