The Tyrant’s Drama Queen Empress

CHAPTER 51: Going Back

　　Just as Shen Ling was about to start chattering away about how wildly popular and lively her stinky tofu business had been, her gaze suddenly landed on Xie Yuanxun. Suddenly, she had the feeling that business could get even better, and all it would take was him...

　　Shen Ling cleared her throat and said in an even tone, “How about coming out with me to sell stinky tofu from now on?”

　　Before Xie Yuanxun could even react, Shen Ling’s face darkened the moment the words left her mouth.

　　—What do you mean, “come out with me to sell”? That makes it sound like we’ve fallen on hard times and are going out to sell ourselves on the street. Obviously, I just want him to stand there and use his face to draw in customers. Ahem, better not tell him the real reason, or he definitely won’t agree.

　　—Not to brag, but my business did so well not only because stinky tofu was something new people had never tried before. I definitely played a big part in it too.

　　—After all, that so-called Tofu Beauty wasn’t even as pretty as me, and her business was still good.

　　—Mm... so does this count as making a living off my looks?

　　Shen Ling was not only planning to make a living off her own face, she even wanted to drag Xie Yuanxun along to do the same.

　　She could already picture it in her head: the two of them standing beside the stall looking ethereal as immortals, while people drawn over by both the smell of the stinky tofu and their good looks lined up in a long, long queue.

　　The scene in Shen Ling’s imagination was so beautiful that she actually started chuckling to herself.

　　Seeing her look like a cat that had just stolen the cream, so obvious that even a blind man could tell she was plotting something against him, Xie Yuanxun said irritably, “No. I can’t stand that smell.” Even if he could stand it, he still wouldn’t go. Using his face to attract customers? Just what kind of nonsense was going through her head?

　　Shen Ling said, “If you keep trying, you’ll get used to it.”

　　—Just like how I’ve gotten more and more used to staying by your side.

　　At those words, Xie Yuanxun revealed a half-smiling expression. Just when Shen Ling thought he was about to agree, he put away the smile and said with a straight face, “If I said I’m not going, then I’m not going. No one can make me take back my word.”

　　Shen Ling fell silent.

　　—Heh. If you really think that, then you’re behind the times.

　　—Watch closely now and see how I make you change your mind!

　　She bit down on the little wooden stick from her candied hawthorn with a crunch, then said as if it were nothing, “Your Majesty, come with me. If you’re by my side, then no one will come over trying to play matchmaker for me. You do know what a matchmaker is, right? If not, I can explain.”

　　Xie Yuanxun’s expression did not change. After hearing that, he looked more or less unmoved, at most with his gaze turning a little colder.

　　Shen Ling pressed on and started making things up with a straight face. “There are all kinds of matchmakers. Some introduce unmarried men and women, some pair up widows and widowers, and some find matches for people who’ve already been married before. I belong to the last kind.”

　　“My business is doing so well, and with small profits but fast sales, it’s only natural people would get jealous when they see it. In outsiders’ eyes, I’m basically a little golden doll, the kind that can bring in money. Tell me, who wouldn’t want to carry me home?”

　　Xie Yuanxun’s face darkened. “Carry you home?”

　　Shen Ling blinked innocently. “It was just a figure of speech, but the meaning is more or less the same.”

　　—Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little. Fine, a lot. But I’m not entirely wrong. There really are people eyeing my business and my recipe, and some are even eyeing me directly. Though there aren’t many of that sort. Most of them are servants sent by merchants or inns and restaurants. Tsk, people who know how to do business really are sharp. They could already tell this stinky tofu business had the potential to make a fortune this early on.

　　Xie Yuanxun pinched her cheek and said casually, “So what were you thinking?”

　　Seeing that he didn’t seem angry, Shen Ling answered honestly without thinking, “I just want you to come sell stinky tofu with me.”

　　Xie Yuanxun nodded. “Fine. I’ll go with you.”

　　Shen Ling said, “Okay, as long as you agree... wait, you agreed?!” Her voice shot up several pitches. It was that easy?

　　Xie Yuanxun replied, “Why are you so surprised? Isn’t this exactly what you wanted?”

　　Shen Ling said, “...That’s true.”

　　—But I really didn’t expect you to actually agree, and this fast at that.

　　—I was all ready to act out one of those “you refuse three times, I persuade three times” scenes between power-grabbing schemers and their ministers, and in the end I didn’t even get the chance.

　　Shen Ling asked, “Weren’t you unwilling just now?”

　　Xie Yuanxun glanced at her. “I am now.”

　　Shen Ling said, “Oh. Fine, then.”

　　—As long as you’re happy.

　　—They always say a woman’s mood changes like the June weather, but honestly, men aren’t much better.

　　That night, just before they were about to get into bed, Xie Yuanxun suddenly asked, “Did you practice your handwriting?”

　　Shen Ling, “.....”

　　Her scalp instantly went numb.   

　　—Aaaahhhhhhh!

　　Shen Ling yawned and rubbed her eyes. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. Whatever you just said, I can’t hear it.”

　　—Did you hear that? I can’t hear a thing!!!

　　Xie Yuanxun, “...For someone who can’t hear, you sure are shouting loudly.”

　　Shen Ling, “Ah, I’m so sleepy.”

　　—I’ve already acted this far, so I refuse to believe you’d still be heartless enough to make me practice calligraphy.

　　—Hehe. Bet you’ve never seen a move like mine, surviving by throwing myself into a hopeless situation.

　　Facts proved that Xie Yuanxun really could be that heartless.

　　In one smooth motion, he lifted Shen Ling off the bed and set her down on the stool. Patting her head, he said, “Write.”

　　Shen Ling hesitated, swallowing hard. She had the sinking feeling that if she said no, Xie Yuanxun could probably twist her head right off.

　　Grumbling under her breath, she picked up the brush and started practicing her calligraphy. With Xie Yuanxun, this little demon, watching her, there was no way she’d fall into her usual trap of “tomorrow, tomorrow, and the tomorrow after tomorrow.”

　　Xie Yuanxun didn’t leave, but Shen Ling remained as calm as a still pond.

　　When she finished writing all the characters she was supposed to, Xie Yuanxun casually glanced at her work and tossed it aside.

　　Shen Ling froze. “......” All that effort for my homework!!

　　—Damn it, do you want to die?!

　　Before Shen Ling could even start cursing, Xie Yuanxun scooped her up onto the bed, leaning over her to start his mischievous little business.

　　At first, Shen Ling tried to reason with him, but soon all she could do was gasp for air. His hands and lips seemed to carry some kind of magic, making her whole body go weak and hot. After rolling around in the sheets a few times, half-asleep, she mumbled, “It’s all my fault for letting you eat too much.”

　　—I sell stinky tofu all day, spend the night cuddling you, and even get my homework checked by you. Your pampering is way too heavy, what have I done to deserve this!

　　Xie Yuanxun chuckled, “Pfft.”

　　He kissed the corner of her eye, his nose brushing her cheek. “Now you’re full too.”

　　Shen Ling froze. “......”

　　—The kind of ‘full’ we’re thinking of is definitely not the same!

　　......

　　Shen Ling had successfully earned the title of “Tofu Beauty,” and Xie Yuanxun had played the biggest role in it. Even though he always lounged calmly in his chair, plenty of young ladies still came by, using the excuse of buying stinky tofu just to catch a glimpse of him.

　　Shen Ling crouched in the corner, silently pounding her chest.

　　—I am such an idiot!

　　—I shoo one woman away from him, and somehow it ends up drawing even more women to him. And the worst part? I did this with my own two hands!

　　The only comfort was that Xie Yuanxun completely ignored them, which at least saved Shen Ling from feeling like she’d invited wolves into the house.

　　—Wow, somehow I’ve managed to use so many idioms in one day. I really am impressively well-read.

　　Xie Yuanxun gave her a strange look. She’s “impressively well-read”?

　　He took Shen Ling’s hand. “As expected of you.” Only she could probably get away with saying something this ridiculous.

　　Shen Ling blinked. “???”

　　—Wait, why is he suddenly praising me?

　　Even though she didn’t understand why, Shen Ling accepted his compliment. “It’s nothing, really.”

　　Xie Yuanxun, “Hahaha.”

　　—Wait, did I just hit your funny bone again?

　　Shen Ling gazed into the distance. “I wonder when Senior Eunuch Feng and the others will find us.”

　　Xie Yuanxun asked, “You don’t want to stay here?”

　　Shen Ling nodded. “Mm, I don’t.”

　　Even though she’d already earned the title of “Tofu Beauty” in Yongning Town and built a booming little business, Shen Ling didn’t feel triumphant the way she thought she would. For some reason, she just felt homesick. She wanted to go back to a place she knew well. For Shen Ling, home meant the Palace—Chang Le Palace… okay, fine, let’s not get all dramatic. The truth was, she just wanted to go back to living that pampered, luxurious life. Life out here was way too rough!

　　The idyllic image of planting chrysanthemums under the eastern fence was nice to daydream about, but actually living it? No thanks.

　　She had to admit she was lucky it turned out to be Yongning Town and not some remote mountain village. If it had been deep in the wilderness, she’d be screaming to the heavens with no one to hear her, having to till the land herself just to find something to eat. That kind of life would have been even harsher.

　　Shen Ling really admired those predecessors who’d gotten transmigrated with “farming drama” scripts.

　　Leaning close to him, she whispered, “Your Majesty, the reason I want to go back isn’t just for me. I’m thinking of you too. Look at your hands… they’ve gotten so rough.”   

　　—Uh, not rough at all, still so long and slender.

　　“Your skin’s gotten darker…”

　　—What the hell! It’s not darker!

　　Shen Ling tried to find some proof that Xie Yuanxun had suffered, something to back up her excuse, but after searching for a while, she came up empty. In the end, she could only croak out, “Anyway, I just don’t want to see Your Majesty suffer.”

　　Xie Yuanxun looked at her lightly. Shen Ling met his gaze and couldn’t shake the feeling that he could see right through her.

　　She straightened her back. Fine, let him see through me. As long as he didn’t say it out loud, they’d still be good friends.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “I think it’s you who doesn’t want to suffer.”

　　—Excommunication! I’m cutting ties with you!

　　—It’s one thing to see through me, but why say it out loud? Don’t you know the rule is ‘see through but don’t tell’?

　　—And why does your tone sound a little smug to me?    

　　Shen Ling said flatly, “Your Majesty, your eyes are really sharp.”

　　—Why don't I just poison you to death, you bastard?!

　　Xie Yuanxun, “So don’t play tricks in front of me. I know everything, understand?”

　　Shen Ling replied weakly, “I—un—der—stand—al—ready—”

　　She actually wanted to ask when Xie Yuanxun had gotten so merciless, making people embarrassed without giving them face. She was also curious how Senior Eunuch Feng could always stay so patient by his side. Or maybe Senior Eunuch Feng was like her, just enduring and enduring until he got used to it?

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Actually, Feng Zhi has already found us.”

　　Shen Ling’s eyes went wide, and she started looking around anxiously. “What? He’s already here? When did he get here? Why didn’t I see him?”   

　　Shen Ling really hadn’t seen Senior Eunuch Feng. If he really had found them like Xie Yuanxun said, then by not showing up, was he trying to make Xie Yuanxun live through some kind of “transformation challenge”?

　　She didn’t expect Senior Eunuch Feng could be mischievous too.

　　It would’ve been great if she could skip this whole transformation episode.

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “He came by a long time ago. You didn’t see him because I asked him to stay hidden. I saw you having fun here, and if he showed up, he would’ve ruined your mood.”

　　Shen Ling, “......”

　　—Pfft!

　　—Did you hear that? That’s the sound of me falling from the heights of joy straight to the ground, squished into a tiny little pancake!

　　Shen Ling froze completely, her body stiff as if someone had struck a pressure point. After a long moment, her stalled thoughts finally started moving. Before, she had just assumed that she and Xie Yuanxun had been swept away by the river and that no one else was around—so it didn’t feel strange. After all, no matter how fast the guards ran, they couldn’t match the speed of the water. But now, it suddenly hit her that she had gotten it all wrong. “Couldn’t catch up” was nonsense, absolute nonsense.

　　Xie Yuanxun was an Emperor. Would he really be without secret guards protecting him? Oh—right, the Shadow Guards. So they could have returned to the Imperial Hunting Palace all along, but Xie Yuanxun had just flat-out vetoed it himself?

　　Shen Ling said softly, “So the cook I got lucky with, Old Qi… he’s not just a simple cook, is he?”

　　Xie Yuanxun, “No, he isn’t. He’s one of the Shadow Guards.”

　　Shen Ling, “......” #%&**&*! Even her curses had turned into gibberish.  

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Are you just too happy? Your heartbeat is racing so fast.”

　　Shen Ling looked at him, and in her mind, a fresh round of cursing erupted: #%&**&￥#*......

　　She was about to lose it. If anyone asked who in this world she most wanted to throttle, the answer was without a doubt this damn Xie Yuanxun!

　　With deadpan eyes and a flat voice, she said, “Your Majesty, where exactly did you see me happy?”

　　—I’m furious, okay!

　　Xie Yuanxun, “Then I guessed wrong. I’ll have Feng Zhi come pick us up.”

　　Shen Ling forced a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Fine.”

　　Then she saw Xie Yuanxun say, “Call Senior Eunuch Feng over.” Old Qi the cook, who should have been in the kitchen, came out, knelt, and answered “Yes,” before then slipped away. Shen Ling, “......” Finally, this is what should have happened ages ago!

　　Shen Ling got up and started walking back. Xie Yuanxun asked, “Where are you going?”

　　Shen Ling roared, “None of your business!”

　　Xie Yuanxun followed her, “None of my business? So you want to stay here all by yourself?”

　　Shen Ling, “......I’m going back to my room to pack my things.”

　　—I really want to kick you. You’re threatening me, saying that if I don’t answer properly, you’ll leave me here. Fine, I’ll give in, but who hasn’t done this before?

　　—You see how well I’m giving in? Happy now, huh!

　　Xie Yuanxun chuckled as he said, “Go ahead, but make sure you pack carefully. Don’t leave anything behind.”

　　Hearing that, Shen Ling’s rebellious streak flared. She stopped in her tracks, expression blank, voice firm, “I’m not going.”

　　Xie Yuanxun thought for a moment, then said, “Fine, then we’ll stay here and wait for Feng Zhi.”

　　Shen Ling looked at him, “You don’t have anything else to say?”

　　—Aren't you going to try to persuade me?

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “Nope.”

　　He agreed so quickly that Shen Ling suddenly felt a little embarrassed, realizing she’d just been throwing a tantrum for no reason. Then the next moment she heard him say, “Anyway, there’s nothing important in there. The only thing worth my attention are the sheets you used for your calligraphy. I’ll have them burned later, so none of your writing will be left outside. When we get back to the Palace, you can write as many big characters as you owe.”

　　He had this whole ‘out with the old, in with the new, I’ll wait for you to start over’ look, and Shen Ling didn’t even know how to react. Good thing she asked a few extra questions, otherwise she wouldn’t have known that was his plan. If he actually burned all the sheets she’d been practicing on, all her effort would have gone to waste.

　　“......” Shen Ling said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they’re all packed up. Not a single sheet will be left behind.” Trying to make me lose? Dream on!   

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “It’s better that you’re not going.”

　　Shen Ling rolled her eyes.

　　—I’m not stupid. Why on earth wouldn’t I go pack up my things?

　　When Senior Eunuch Feng arrived with his people and the carriage, Shen Ling just nodded at him, showing absolutely no trace of gratitude. The thought that he’d come all the way to Yongning Town so early left her mind completely blank.

　　Once they were in the carriage, Shen Ling set the packed sheets aside and glanced at Xie Yuanxun. She sank into thought, realizing she needed to find a way to rein him in. She couldn’t keep letting him toy with her over her calligraphy practice.

　　If it weren’t for the fact that Xie Yuanxun had never carried a schoolbag in his life, Shen Ling would’ve half-suspected that he wanted her to practice calligraphy like a high schooler, hanging her head over the desk and sticking herself with a needle. After all, he was already checking her work without fail every single day.    

　　But what could she actually make him do? Whatever Shen Ling could do, he could do too. Whatever she couldn’t, he could also handle. Ugh, what a headache.

　　Shen Ling frowned, deep in thought.

　　Xie Yuanxun held her in his arms like she was a collectible doll and asked, “What are you thinking about?” His eyes were serious, almost too serious.

　　Shen Ling muttered, “Thinking about what you can’t do.”

　　Xie Yuanxun tilted his head, “Something I can’t do?”

　　Shen Ling nodded eagerly, “Exactly, exactly.” Why stress herself coming up with things when he could just tell her his own weaknesses? So convenient.

　　Xie Yuanxun rubbed his chin against the top of her head and said, “There’s nothing I can’t do, nothing I can’t handle.”

　　Shen Ling went blank, feeling like crying without tears.

　　—I’m so doomed!   

　　If anyone else had said that, Shen Ling would’ve rolled her eyes so hard they might’ve popped out. But coming from Xie Yuanxun, she actually believed him.

　　From Shen Ling’s experience, there really wasn’t anything Xie Yuanxun couldn’t do.

　　The only thing she had thought he couldn’t do was… well, matters between men and women. But he shattered that assumption too. Now he was more skilled than her, and sometimes Shen Ling even wondered if he had secretly studied some “forbidden manuals.”

　　Xie Yuanxun: Yeah, I did read them.

　　Oh no, wait! There is one thing he can’t do—get pregnant or give birth! But he’s a man, so obviously that’s impossible.

　　She just wanted a way to help him burn off some extra energy. Why did it have to be so hard? Shen Ling relaxed her body, lazily leaning into Xie Yuanxun’s arms.

　　When they arrived at the Imperial Hunting Palace, the carriage rolled smoothly inside. Liu Zhu was overjoyed to see Shen Ling back. Ever since Senior Eunuch Feng had come to tell her to keep Shen Ling’s absence a secret and cover up the fact that she and Xie Yuanxun had been out enjoying themselves, Liu Zhu had managed to keep everything under wraps perfectly. At the same time, she worried about Shen Ling not having any familiar palace maids around to take care of her—what if she suffered?

　　If Shen Ling ever found out what Liu Zhu was thinking, she’d probably clutch her head and cry: Suffering, she’s suffering!

　　Shen Ling, meanwhile, was too focused on brainstorming ways to… cough… distract Xie Yuanxun and redirect his energy. She wasn’t paying attention to where she was going, and ended up banging her head against a nearby pillar.

　　Snapping back to reality, she held her forehead. “Ouch, that really hurts!”

　　Xie Yuanxun said calmly, “Well, you hit it pretty hard, so of course it hurts.”

　　Shen Ling stared at him silently, “……”

　　Xie Yuanxun met her gaze, “……”

　　Xie Yuanxun asked, “What are you trying to say?”

　　Shen Ling frowned, “You’ve been right by my side, so why didn’t you stop me when I was about to hit the pillar?”

　　—Normally, shouldn’t you have put your hand between the pillar and my head? That way, even if I ran into it, I’d only hit your palm.

　　Xie Yuanxun replied, “If I don’t let you experience it for yourself, you won’t remember to pay attention when you walk.”

　　Shen Ling blinked, “That’s it?”

　　“That’s it,” he said calmly.

　　Shen Ling wiped her face. “You could’ve just told me. Then I’d remember your words, right?”

　　Xie Yuanxun answered seriously, “Words don’t work as well as experience.”

　　Shen Ling froze, “……”    

　　—So you just used that stupid excuse to let my forehead bang against the pillar so loudly, ugh!

　　Shen Ling asked quietly, “Aren’t you afraid I’ll cry from the pain?”

　　Xie Yuanxun said, “…You won’t cry.”

　　Shen Ling snorted coldly.

　　—Who said I won’t cry? I just cry less, that’s why you get to act all high and mighty.

　　Her lips trembled and her nose twitched. She didn’t even need to stew over her feelings, her eyes were already welling up with tears. “W-w-wuwu I don’t want to cry, really, but my eyes can’t help it. I know Your Majesty doesn’t like seeing anyone cry. W-w-wuwu I’ll wipe them right away so you won’t see and get annoyed, really, I’ll do it now. W-w-wuwu why are my tears just… spilling more? I didn’t mean to…”    

　　Xie Yuanxun lifted his hand, pressed his fingers to her forehead, then cupped her face as he walked closer. He said with a hint of annoyance, “You cry so ugly.”

　　Shen Ling froze, “……”

　　Then she let out a loud wail, “Waaahhh!”

　　Xie Yuanxun leaned down and kissed her, “Still crying?”

　　Shen Ling, “Waaahhhhhh!”

　　—Of course I’m crying! Doesn’t matter, I’m faking it anyway.

　　He kissed her again, asking softly as he went, and as long as she kept crying, he kept kissing. Eventually Shen Ling felt too embarrassed to keep pretending—his kisses felt too nice. In his arms, she felt like a little kid being comforted, all soft and warm inside, like melting cotton candy.   

　　Shen Ling’s cheeks flared red as she shoved Xie Yuanxun away. “I have things to do, I’m leaving first.” As for what things? Don’t ask—she didn’t even know herself.

　　She tried to act composed but practically bolted with Liu Zhu beside her.

　　She was afraid that if she stayed any longer, he would kiss her until she was completely at his mercy.

　　Liu Zhu said, “Your Grace, no one knows you went out with His Majesty. I have arranged for people with tight lips to guard the Imperial Hunting Palace, and Eunuch Feng also has someone to assist him. If you need anything, just let me know.”

　　Shen Ling looked at her and said with proper decorum, “You’ve done very well, thank you for your hard work.” She couldn’t let Liu Zhu say that she had something to do was just an excuse.

　　Shen Ling then enjoyed a luxurious bath while Liu Zhu filled her in on happenings outside the Imperial Hunting Palace. Inside, it was just her and Xie Yuanxun, so nothing much needed reporting, but outside was the realm of officials and their wives, so plenty could happen.

　　If Shen Ling’s place felt like a warm, cozy drama, then Xie Yuanxun’s side was playing the cold, indifferent script.

　　Senior Eunuch Feng spoke in a calm, gentle tone, “…The three groups that attacked in the hunting grounds have all been completely dealt with, except for one leftover. That one escaped into a cave. The Shadow Guards were about to deal with him when Shen Jinxiu and Shen Xi from the Shen household appeared. They spotted the assassin, and then Shen Jinxiu reported it to Xue Yunshi, Princess Yuzhen’s son. Xue Yunshi then used his men to rescue the assassin.”

　　“He handled it very secretly. Apart from him and Shen Jinxiu, no one else knew. He disguised the assassin as one of his own servants, and by the time the assassin’s injuries healed, Xue Yunshi had brought him fully under control and even extracted the location of his hideout…”

　　Senior Eunuch Feng spoke so clearly it was as if he had witnessed it himself. After giving the full report, he asked, “Your Majesty, I’ve already sent men to eliminate the assassin’s hideout. Not a single one survived.” He smiled gently and added, “However, this Marquis Xue Yunshi is growing bolder. In the past he only bribed lower-ranking officials in secret, but now he’s reaching out to powerful generals with military authority. Your Majesty, do you wish to deal with him?”

　　Xie Yuanxun’s voice was cold. “No need.”

　　This Marquis Xue Yunshi, who was trying to imitate a rebel prince from the previous dynasty, had long been on Senior Eunuch Feng and the Shadow Guards’ radar. Xie Yuanxun knew all about it too. He had never cared much for the continuation of the Da Liang Dynasty and wanted to see just how far Xue Yunshi could go, so he spared his life.

　　In the past, Xie Yuanxun’s attitude toward Xue Yunshi had been purely for amusement. Who pays attention to what ants are doing at their feet? Xue Yunshi was just that ant.

　　If Xue Yunshi had managed to impress Xie Yuanxun, what difference would it have made if he gained the throne? But he didn’t, so Xie Yuanxun ignored him. He had originally planned to let the Da Liang Dynasty end without caring who might rise after.

　　Now, that thought no longer occupied him, yet his attitude toward Xue Yunshi had shifted.

　　Xie Yuanxun said with a faint, unreadable tone, “Let him build his tall tower, let him feast with guests, and let it all collapse. Isn’t it better to see him fall from the heights where he felt the proudest?”    

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T/N: Big, big thanks to ntww12 for the super sweet review of this novel, and to all my lovely readers who voted for this story on NU too! You guys are the absolute best, and I really, really appreciate all the love and support you’ve given this story. 💖　

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